(Not) Being & (Not) Doing

Without the free flow of energy, nothing happens.

Summer brings many green and lovely gifts, yet I reluctantly have to admit that it simply doesn’t agree with me. Heat or no heat, there is something about this season that drains my energy (though it certainly has been very hot recently, which has made things much worse). I feel like I have been emptied out completely. 

Yet even when I am fatigued and lying in bed, I often can’t help reaching for my notebook and writing something about how I feel—however mundane and seemingly pointless. Because sometimes the words cause a shift in my mental state, or even in how energy is flowing in my body. It doesn’t always work; and usually any effects are very subtle, below consciousness. Yet it has become a habit that I can’t shake, this reaching for words, reaching for some kind of expression leading towards understanding.

With words I can defy my inner critic, and defy the powers that be that dictate how I should think and feel, and how I should even perceive and understand the world. I can defy my own sense of helplessness. This is a kind of healing magic.

It’s not working so well at present, though. I can’t seem to find many words, or the right ones. I can’t seem to push beyond where I am into new territory, which should bring me new impetus. Instead, I am having to surrender to what I am feeling, to tell myself that it is okay to not be writing, painting, reading (much), or working towards anything in particular. 

The past year brought with it many challenges and changes, and I suppose I am yet to integrate many of them. For my health and sanity, there is much that I have to face.

And I don’t know what this new year will bring. I have no specific plans. Perhaps I should lie low for a while, take a break from social media, find my bearings, and go in search of ‘real world’ nourishment.* So I may be a little quiet in this space for the time being, as I tend to my health-related and creative needs. For unless I take care of my wellspring, nothing creative will flow from it, and my life will wither away. I don’t want that to happen, for I know I have much to give—I just need the energy to be able to do that. 

When necessary (which is quite often at the moment), I am going to take Kat Duff’s advice: ‘a simple spiritual exercise for pulling ourselves back together and cultivating the self-possession of the masters [is] to collapse with exhaustion’ (The Alchemy of Illness, 1993, p. 32).

Of course, now that I have written this, probably ideas will begin flowing, and I will have things to post. Such is usually the way with me.** But I am trying very hard to let myself (not) be and (not) do whatever is necessary, in alignment with what I need, physically, emotionally, creatively. If work comes it comes; if it doesn’t it doesn’t. I can’t force the flow of energy, but must learn to work with it, however meagre it may be. If I take care to beckon it gently, humbly, then maybe, just maybe, it will grow.

In the end, it is process that is more important than product. I’m going to try to live the process for a while, and see where that leads. 

* This has been made a little easier over the past week because I’ve had little to no internet access—both very inconvenient and a blessing in disguise.

** True to form, I have indeed completed a new painting, which I will share in due course.